I joined the website SeekingArrangement recently because I needed about $600 to go to sxsw for work. Don’t ask me what that means or to explain it because I can’t, it’s just something that needed to happen for the narrative. So in a matter of days I meet this guy BackdoorLover. Clearly innuendo is clear. He wastes no time in getting it from website to text. He wants someone to do buttstuff, willing to pay up to $2000. Wow. But no, I just don’t do butt stuff. I’m saving it for THE ONE, although it’s been taken, it’s heretofore off limits until THE ONE.
So I’m like no, this isn’t going to work out. He quickly says he just likes to aim high and says he would also take a beej for $500. He sends a pic because the one on his profile is blurry to protect his identity. It’s a face and peen pic and yes I would hit it for free, so I agree to meet him in two days. He says he would text tomorrow to reconfirm. He’s obviously done this before. This is a Wednesday.
On Thursday I am in my first music video and also in a music industry music studio for the first time. It is exactly how I’d imagine an experience like that would go. Lived up to my expectations. Expectations exceeded, but I felt somewhat objectified at the end but who knows where that really came from. I made $60 cash for 3 hours.
Backdoor texts immediately after the shoot if we’re still on. I hesitate. I don’t know. I still need the money. It would be easy. I’d hit it for free. What’s the big deal giving a beej to a guy I’d give a beej to if we met at the “bar”? He wouldn’t even have to buy me a drink? If I’d do it in that condition, why not just get that $500 bonus? After all, it’s called a blow JOB. Words have meaning. If my ex had offered me money for BJs instead of just trying to guilt me into doing it, bjs 24/7 my guy. It wouldn’t even need to be that much money. Maybe $500 a month = unlimmy bjs. This guy was giving me $500 for one. idk guys, I really tried to justify this as not prostitution but more like restitution. Besides we met on seekingarrangement.com, a site that kept yelling at me for using “escort” language in my profile which is forboden because this is NOT an escort site. Well, tell that to your sugar daddies because they are the ones soliciting and idk what I’m doing this is my first time.
Basically, I motivate my writer life by asking myself “What Would Lena Dunham Do?” I did it for the story. And here it is.
So I try to back out of the beej because something about being in that music video, as fun as it was, just turned me off the idea of exploiting my body. Not because I felt exploited in that video, but because I could see how it could be a slippery slope. But then he talks me into at least meeting him and I “negotiate” a $100 meeting fee. He agrees.
I wake up the next day feeling like basura and there’s one of the ridiculous man made blizzards we got this year happening. I go outside and this blizzard is like actually beating me up, it’s going in this circular motion and it’s hard and I felt terrible. This is what my life had come to. Sucking D for money. I had somehow forgotten about WWLDD and the narrative of going to sxsw needing to happen and it wasn’t me doing anything bad. I don’t know why I felt like I was doing something bad.
We were meeting at a bar but he lived a block away from the bar and didn’t feel like going outside. This is a good sign, he was privileged enough to not have to leave the house during a terrible storm, but he also gave me lots of American Psycho vibes so it also felt like a trap. He gives me his address and his real name. A Park Ave doorman building. It felt just like one of my postmates deliveries except this delivery was for fellatio and there was a guaranteed tip.
I kind of did nothing to ensure I would even get any money but the man was trustworthy. He was gentle and didn’t want to force me to do anything. I explained why I was doing what I was doing (the trip) and he was sympathetic and said he’d help out even if I didn’t do anything. This just made me want to blow him more. I broke my 2 month alcohol sobriety and accepted a glass of wine because I was nervous af. We talked a lot. He told me stories of other sugar babies and horror stories about how shitty seekingarrangement is. Yet he still paid for it because it’s hard to find randoms into the specific things he’s into. Must be nice to have a lot of money. He explained what he needed to do to make money and it sounded like he hated it. He was a basic finance bro. He said to not disclose any identifying details about him when I mentioned I was a writer because if he lost his job he’d be broke in a week. He told me this after he paid $600 through venmo for a beej with splooge on face effect.
This guy’s view is of the Empire State Building. Like that is his neighbor. The wall in his living room was this wall to wall window and he lived in a high rise so he was level with the light part of the Empire state building. He said he used the lights turning off as his indicator to go to bed because it turns off at 2am. Must be nice to have money.
He said he liked being a sugar daddy because he liked being able to help girls and it made him feel like the exchange was equal. At least someone out there gets the job part of blow job. He gets openly bored of me and we call it a night. He tells me to text him when I return from sxsw because he wasn’t into one off things. I make note of that because he seemed ready to never see me again tbh but I also hate one off things.
I ended up texting him during an emergency while I was at sxsw. Maybe the money I used to get there had bad karma so I had a bad experience in one of the AirBnBs I stayed in. I had my belongings stolen while searching for my lost Airbnb keys in a dark parking lot after work, which I never found and had to pay for a locksmith. I decide to text Backdoor for help and he goes WHO DIS. Wow. Kick me while I’m down. He’s the one who wanted to stay in touch! What an asshole. I feel like an idiot for letting this guy get over me and immediately feel like getting revenge, maybe by revealing details about him so he could lose his job. Although what kind of job would fire him for doing whatever the fuck he wants with his money that isn’t hurting others? Is what he’s doing illegal? How come he gets to keep his profile but mine is banned? Why was my profile banned SEEKING ARRANGEMENT?
Even if I wanted to out him I couldn’t because I was so hurt I deleted our whole text thread and don’t actually have any identifying information on him. Maybe he existed in another timeline just for the sole reason of getting me to sxsw- an unlikely timeline! Something something narrative.
Here’s the ULTIMATE KICKER. The jerk who stole my backpack was trying to get me to come home with him because I couldn’t find my keys, and he offered me $500 to “kiss my puss”. He said those exact words. I rejected this creep’s offer but felt a moral dilemma. Since I sucked 1 D for money, does that mean I have to keep doing it? No! That’s dumb! Why was I thinking that? I went on a website called seekingarrangement specifically to seek an arrangement. This guy in the parking lot was just taking advantage of a vulnerable female.
Yo, fuck you patriarchy, I was trying to give you a chance but you play too much.
So weeks later, since I had one semi successful experience seeking an arrangement I stayed on the website and added more goals I’d like help funding like getting braces and joining SAG-AFTRA. Today I find out my account was suspended. What I did? Apparently something against the terms of service but they’re not allowed to tell me what. After poring through their terms of services though I definitely didn’t break any rules so it’s obviously a conspiracy. What, can’t a young nigga get money anymore?