One of the reasons I broke up with my ex-boyfriend was because he’d never post pictures of us on social media. There were many times when I’d take a picture of us and he’d be frowning. We both devolved into pieces of shit during our relationship. It started great, we’d both smoke weed every night, watch Adult Swim and fuck. Then he stopped smoking weed and started doing cocaine. I started to drink heavily because getting weed illegally is a nightmare that always gave me too much anxiety so it was hard for me to have the drug that helped me not drink and he stopped getting it.
Here’s the thing about this stupid bitch he’s dating. I hate her so much and I don’t even know her. After our breakup, my ex became suddenly the ideal bro. Good job, decent response times to texts, stopped doing shitty drugs. I also became a better person. I was spot on about us being terrible for each other because we improved so much once apart. What hurts is that he kept me on this string for so long when I knew we should have ended it so long ago. I kept trying because I believe in making things work and I loved him, I was in love with him and in love with the idea of our future. Both of us successful in careers spending time together.
He posts pictures of them on dinner dates and at museums and cooking together and it’s like okay we get it. You’re an asshole with no heart who never had time to spend with me when we were together but now some other hoe gets to have the things I never got to have but wanted the whole time. I’m just really hurt right now and need to get out my anger but I have no real animosity towards either of those pieces of shit.
There were so many red flags in our relationship. We had ultimately very little in common. I never fit in with his friends or family and got the sense they didn’t even like me. He never let me really be a part of his world and hid so much from me. I also hid so much from him, like my art and actual interests. We never watched what I wanted to watch, it was only his choice of movies, tv shows and music. I had little to no identity when I was with him. I forgot who I was. It got to the point where I wanted him to choose what we’d watch because I had no idea what I even liked anymore. If you go to the beginning of this blog, you’ll see I used to make real content and had a vision to write critical essays about film and tv. When we started dating, I stopped doing that because I stopped watching things I liked.
I fell in love with someone else while we were together. That is something else I hid from him. By fall in love though, I mean I spent a lot of time in a work environment with someone and realized this person had a lot of traits that I liked and that my ex didn’t have. I never dated this person or even let on that I was into them because I’m a PROFESSIONAL and we were in a work environment but I constantly think about how if I could be around this person again I would ask them out. If they’re not taken by now.
But I think about a lot of different boys who treated me really nicely and made me feel amazing about myself and I turned them all down because I wanted to do the hard thing of making it work with my ex! Because I wasn’t a coward and somehow I felt that if we were where we needed to be, which would involve possibly being on different paths for a while, but then uniting those paths into one AWESOME one, we’d be so unstoppable.
I hate feeling so much hatred for someone I don’t hate at all. The reason I feel it is because he lied. He said he’d never leave and he left and didn’t think twice about it and just moved on as if I wasn’t even a blip in his existence. He says he wants to stay friends but now I understand those guys who would tell me they couldn’t be my friend.
Is dating and casual relationships part of the War on Friends? I can’t think of many exes who remain friends and people date so much they have tons of exes. I wish the labeling of things could be removed and that a more natural system of human connection could emerge.
I am back to the dating websites but I hate it. I hate this process so much. I don’t want to be with anyone but I hate having no one. I see people in functional relationships and hate that I’ve never had one. I feel like the problem but I don’t want to hate myself again. I’ve worked so hard on learning to love myself and I know I have lots of flaws and things I need to work on but it’s hard to feel motivated to want to be a better person when everyone abandons you or reinforces that you’re not worth being around.
Sorry this is so depressing diary but I feel so hurt. I wonder if I ever made anyone feel bad when I selfishly posted photos of myself in my relationship on social media? I hate PDA because I have always thought about how that might affect single people or people who just recently got out of a relationship. Every couple I see feels like they’re bragging to people not in relationships. Sorry this is so all over the place.
This isn’t a good blog post but at this point I don’t care about making good blog posts. I’m just going to write and what comes out comes out. If someone reads it, someone reads it. If not, they don’t.
Whenever I lose everything, I always still have writing. Writing has never abandoned me. Thank you, writing. I love you, writing.