Why are you single?

One of the dumbest questions I get asked specifically by men is “Why are you single?” Usually prefaced by something asinine like “You’re such a catch!” or “You’re the total package!” The implication being, “what’s secretly wrong with you?”

I feel like men expect me to say something like “I’m crazy!” or “I’m diseased!” but I’m single because men are fucking dumb as shit not because a ton of things are wrong with me, which they are. Lots of things are wrong with everyone, we’re dumb fallible sinning humans.

If someone offered to wifey me up I would be ready to settle down TONIGHT. But I’m not allowed to show interest too soon because that’s unattractive. I am ready to be a domestic goddess right now. Career? I can do that from home, it’s 2018. ffs.

I seem to be pissing off a lot of people this year. Like at least 3-4 people. I’ve gotten DMs saying “you hurt my feelings” and texts to “eat a dick”. I mean, I guess I’ve been getting unfollowed and blocked on a pretty consistent basis for… a while. Am I a troll? I feel like one on the inside.

That’s how I’m going to start answering that question from now on lml (the new lol, I learned over the weekend smh). I’m single because I’m a troll, bitch!

Imagine if Sex and the City was about an internet troll instead of a columnist or whatever Carrie Bradshaw was. Yes, I can see it now. Sex and the Internet. HBO? Sho? Netflix? Youtube Red? Pornhub? Anybody?

INT. Bedroom, Bronx, NY

An internet troll is writing a dumb af okcupid profile. She’s getting mad messages. Message after message. She opens them and rapidly deletes most of them which say hey. One says wanna meet up. She goes yeah. Cut to:

EXT. Park, Manhattan, NY

They are in a park sitting on a blanket and smoking some weed in a vaporizer. The date seems to be going well except for a few ominous awkward silences. There is ominous music like Beethoven’s 5th 1st four notes during these silences. The date culminates in a very awkward hug and I’ll see you next time.

the internet troll walks home and gets a text from the guy “wanna meet up next week?” The internet troll replies sure. Despite the awkward vibes seems the guy was interested. This is a relief to the internet troll.

INT. bedroom, Bronx, NY

The Internet troll logs back on to okcupid. Replies to some messages a friend calls on skype. Friend 1 of the trio of friends because this is sex and the internet and we’re mirroring Sex and the City.

So the troll and friend 1 are talking and the troll starts talking about the date. The friend is into astrology so she inquires about his sign. I don’t know his birthday let me find out. The troll texts the date for his birthday. He doesn’t reply. She then decides to ask for his sign since that’s why she asked for this birthday. He replies Aries. The troll tells the friend.  The friend says “That means he’s romantic and gentle, sounds good.”

The troll asks the date for his birthday again and he replies “Whyyyyy”. It’s weird that he’s so secretive about his birthday? In troll fashion, the troll replies “What’s your SS number?”. No reply. And then, “jk jk, was just trying to show interest nm nm”. No reply.

The troll talks to the friend again on skype. “I don’t know he’s being weird and non-responsive” “but you have a date tomorrow” “okay yeah sure.” “but it’s good you’re noting the red flags” “Oh no, a red flag :(”

2nd date day. The troll texts the date “Hey I’m free to meet up now”. No reply.

And just like that, the troll was ghosted.





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