Charlie’s Angels: 2019

When I went to Del Close Marathon this year, I saw a bit show called “We Play Britney Spears’ Toxic for 10 minutes” which I wrote about here.

The show inspired an idea to create a solo “bit” show about Britney Spears. I submitted for Solocom and began working on the show.

The show got accepted into Solocom and now it’s happening on November 23, 11pm at The Pit Underground, 123 E. 24th street. Aaron Berman is closing the show, he is a clown interpreting the Lion King. It’s going to be an incredible show. Be there, if you’re in town 🙂

I just rented a bungalow to work on the show. My current living situation is chaotic and my mom is staying with me, so I rented a bungalow by the beach, in winter, because it looked like it had a lot of floor space, and it did.

The weekend in the Bungalow came and went and it was pretty productive. I got a working full script. I met with my director today after getting paid $40 cash to watch a taping of a “political comedy talk show” show that “doesn’t exist yet”. I was falling asleep during the taping because it was warm, comfy and boring and I was sleep deprived because I wanted to make the most of my bungalow time. One of the guests seemed to have an issue with me sleeping but like, when they’re rolling I’m awake. Actually, I’m pretty sure they got some shots of me sleeping while they were rolling, idgaf, they said they wanted real reactions.

With the $40 I made from that taping, I was able to pay for a rehearsal space for 1.5 hours (But we finagled to getting it for 2 hours!) and I met with my director who told me that the bit show I’ve been working on for months is actually a play and that it needed some reworking to get the original intended message of the solo piece out. It was a little hard to hear because the show deadline is so close and I really don’t have anything resembling a show at the moment so to still be rewriting is freaking me out!

I’m behind on how tight I wanted my choreography to be and at this point, I really have to let go and trust that this is a comedy show and I really don’t have to be a perfect britney clone, there’s no way I could be I haven’t had elite performance training since childhood like Britney and I don’t have a team to get me anywhere near her performance level, but my director reminded me I have an important message and story and that should be my focus. The britney stuff is just the means to get this message out, but it’s secondary.

I love Britney and want so badly to create the perfect tribute to her, but it’s not my goal to be a performer, it’s my goal to create important work that helps people and changes people. I do love performing though, but it’s not my focus the way I think it is Britney Spears’ focus and that’s why she’s incredible at it.

After the rehearsal with my director, I went home. I took some food over to my mom, did a quick changeover and then went to a preview screening of Charlie’s Angels.

At screenings now, they take your phone, but they don’t forcibly take it, and they don’t take it if you’re “press”, which I basically am. I go to shit and write about it? That’s press, right?

So I’m gonna write about Charlie’s Angels to justify keeping my phone on me during the screening. And I’m gonna write about it in this same post because I’ll use tags and it’ll be fine.

I did take a little LSD while watching this, so that might paint my thoughts on this film, but I’m gonna try to be as coherent as possible.

So the movie barely begins and there’s a violent fight sequence, and it’s kinda sexy because Kristen Stewart brings that energy, but I’ve never been into action sequences so I’m already over it. And I really want to like this movie, even though it’s a franchise reboot bullshit movie, because girl power. The best thing about this opening is Kristen Stewart getting shoved off a ledge by one of the angels (Jane, the emotionless but eventually emotional tall one). I just got so distracted, I knew this wasn’t gonna be coherent but I have to get through writing about this movie so I can get to the best part of my day- seeing Rumpleteaser at UCB Hell’s Kitchen……. she was shoved off the ledge by an angel and then came back on the edge of a helicopter like just chilling. She’s not even holding on to the helicopter, she’s just like standing on the side of it. Basically, how did she not fall? I loved it.

Okay, so after the opening scene with violence. They introduce the 3rd angel character, Elena. Kristen Stewart’s name in the movie is Sabina, but she’s Kristen Stewart. Elena works at some tech company and they just created a technology that can be used as a weapon, oh no! The company’s like we dgaf about people getting hurt with this product we’re making moneeyyyyy. So whatever.

Then there’s a scene with like 50 Bosleys celebrating the main Bosley’s birthday. Spoiler alert, main Bosley is the bad guy. Maybe I should have saved that for later. I have to get better at this press thing.

So we meet all the angels. Elizabeth Banks becomes the main Bosley for the girls after the Bosley that was training Jane is killed while an assassin is trying to kill Elena. I really want to like this movie, but like 20 minutes in this plot makes me want to kill myself, to put it lightly.

There’s a scene where they show the new girl, Elena the Charlie’s Angel vault. You know the scene, the trope. Everything looks normal, but it’s a weapon! One of these things is gonna help you later, and it will be emphasized for not reason. In this case, it was a tin of Altoids. Was it product placement, I’m gonna guess 100%, but it for real was a major plot device.

There’s a bunch of misdirection like making you believe Elizabeth Banks was the bad guy for a second. But she wasn’t, it was Bosley. The man. The man was the bad guy and I really do want to like this movie.

The next most interesting thing that happens is a party scene and so much happened, I think I’m just going to list imagery. Elena in a sexy red dress, and slave collar which she was repeatedly choked with. A man getting impaled in the middle of the party scene. Baphomet heads decorated the entire lavish party. Kristen Stewart and Jane looking like baddies while fighting and stuff. And that’s it.

I had tickets to see Rumpleteaser at 9pm and it was 8:50 and I got to the screening at 7pm so I was like this has gone on for too long and I basically get it. So I walked out of the movie early, unfortunately it was not good enough to be late to a live comedy show I really wanted to see.

Step up your game Hollywood because one hour of a one man show and musical improv was more entertaining than a movie that they’ve literally been making for decades, Charlie’s Angels is sooooo oollllldddddd.

I also really wanted to avoid the clusterfuck of people trying to get their phones after the screening. So I left early and sadly have no idea how the movie actually ended. If I had to guess, Elena is officially initiated into the Charlie’s Angels and gets one of those fancy tattoos they all have. Maybe Bosley gets away so there can be more of these fucking movies. Kristen Stewart says something really funny and cool. Elizabeth Banks imparts some type of wisdom for the girls. Probably something like just post your movie review, who cares if it’s not perfect. It’s just a diary.

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