Hey it’s me, ur girl, writing and blogging and using spelling and grammar here on the internet. Welcome!
I just thought about these conspiracy theory videos I’ve watched about… about… about… holy shit. I legit forgot. I have no idea what the previous sentence I began writing about was supposed to be about. Is that bad? Is it bad I just forget what I’m thinking about mid-thought? Do I have a problem?
I am annoyed. I am generally annoyed. I am frustrated also. I consistently believe that if I didn’t wake up tomorrow, that would be okay. I consistently express this to others and consistently receive the same feedback of “You’re fine!”
And then I want to believe I’m fine. But I’m not! And even thinking about the potential of things being fine and my dreams coming true– I still don’t feel fine. I think the best way to sum up what I’m trying to say is Robin Williams.
I can see the ways in which I can make my “dreams” come true, so it feels like they’ve already come true. It’s like when you decide you’re going to have brunch with Becky this Sunday and then text her and she says Yeah! so it’s basically a done deal. Even though it’s only Thursday, you know brunch with Becky is happening because you went through the steps to make it happen. Becky confirmed. You made a reservation. Becky has consistently proven herself to be a reliable friend who doesn’t flake. Lunch with Becky on Sunday is a done deal and it’s only Thursday. That is how I feel about my “dreams”; they’re in motion and a done deal to me.
Yet I still feel like a pile of shit. I know it’s not guaranteed my “dreams” will come true, Becky could wake up hungover or with the flu and need to cancel. Maybe I need to cancel. So there is that element to add to my, okay, let’s not sugarcoat it, suicidal feelings. Nothing is guaranteed.
Realistically speaking, I’m a talented, smart, attractive human being who was born in NYC. I’m destined for success. I am happy to have finally reached the point where I can acknowledge that I am a worthy human being. Really. I am. I just… I just don’t care.